Can you imagine how bad it smells in there? Photo by Charles LeClaire/USA Today Sports
There’s something undeniably cathartic about enduring a loss to the Pittsburgh Penguins. It’s a gauntlet of emotion that reminds you of all the horrible things in life you’d rather be doing than witnessing another soul-crushing defeat at the hands of the damned flightless fowl. Not that we’d consider the following collection of unfavorable activities to be time better spent than supporting our beloved Caps in the throes of another heated NBC Rivalry Night (vom), but one can only take so much abuse.
DISCLAIMER: Capitals Hill and its contributors neither condone these actions nor claim responsibility for teh feels that may amount as a result of them.
We would rather…
- Lose in a shootout to Buffalo
- Have three players demand trades in one season
- Experience a clubhouse #schism
- Face Torts in a media scrum after a 9-1 loss
- Watch old Mike Milbury footage analyzed by Mike Milbury
- Have a chirp retweeted by Paul Bissonnette only to face the wrath of his followers
- Comb circa-1994 Jagr’s mullet with own toothbrush
- Climate change
- Government shutdown
Fall down a flight of stairs looking for your cellphone and then realize that it was in your pocket the whole time, and is now destroyed
The Washington Redskins have another 4-12 season…wait, they were 3-13?
- Somebody comes into your house and kicks your dog
- You crawl out of bed on Saturday morning, hungover, wanting nothing more than McDonalds breakfast. You stagger to your car, get in line at the drive-thru behind the d-bag that can’t decide what he wants, then it finally becomes your turn and…sorry sucka, 11:00!
- Have your house egged by Bieber
- Be Justin Bieber
- Eat a bag of nails and hammer myself in the stomach
- Watch Allan eat a bag of nails and hammer himself in the stomach
- Be locked in a dark room with mascots from both the New Orleans
Pelicans and the Chicago Cubs
- Be one of the anchors during the CSN weinergate
- Do a round of shots of Rob Ford’s flop sweat
- Hold the bucket while Allan pukes upon reading the one about Rob Ford’s flop sweat
- Light a mup
- Be Dennis Rodman’s North Korean translator trying to explain the
whole dating Madonna thing back in the 90′s
- Be held in captivity by SeaWorld
- Survive on a steady diet of government cheese while living in a van down by the river
- Captain Jordan Belfort’s yacht on a trip to Switzerland
- Owe Patrick Kane change
…than lose to Penguins.
What about you? How would you rather spend your time than enduring another Caps loss to Pittsburgh? Don’t be shy. We love a good suggestion.